Participation Trophy

“I didn’t get the Nobel Prize. I didn’t get the Pulitzer. I should have gotten a Pulitzer for writing, too.”
– Donald Trump, 21 October, 2026

Fortunately for the president, he has released several books this year that are eligible for a Pulitzer Prize. In fact, he is so prolific – some say the most prolific author ever – that he has multiple books nominated in every category for 2026.

Interestingly, the president often uses his own quotes as titles for his books, which is quite clever if you think about it.

Below is a list of Donald J. Trump’s books competing in the Pulitzer Prize categories for journalism, arts, and letters.

Grab ’Em by the Pussy: A Personal Manifesto

I Could Stand in the Middle of Fifth Avenue and Shoot Somebody, and I Wouldn’t Lose Any Voters, OK?: How Modern-Day Cults Are Created & Cultivated

Covfefe: Selected Poems, 2015-2026

If Ivanka Weren’t My Daughter, Perhaps I Would Be Dating Her: Parenting Advice for Dads with Daughters

Laziness Is a Trait in Blacks: A Lot of People Are Saying

Why Are We Having All These People from Shithole Countries Come Here?: Common-Sense Immigration Policies for a New World Order

Quiet, Piggy: Thoughts on Women

I Have Thousands of Hispanics That Work for Me: Getting Around the Immigration Reform and Control Act (IRCA)

I Love the Poorly Educated: How to Eliminate and Dismantle the U.S. Department of Education

You Have to Treat Em Like Shit: More Thoughts on Women

My I.Q. Is One of the Highest: How to Ace the Montreal Cognitive Assessment

Part of the Beauty of Me Is That I Am Very Rich: How to Blow a $413 Million Inheritance

January 6th, Day of Love: How to Protest Peacefully With Guns and Ammo

Blood Coming Out of Her Wherever: Even More Thoughts on Women

If You’re the President of the United States, You Can Declassify Just by Saying It’s Declassified, Even by Thinking About It: Psychokinesis and Magical Thinking in the State Department

Thoughts on The Modern Television Series

“Everything is either shooting or dumb.”

“Too many guns. Everybody has a gun. How real is that?”

“Well, this is America.”

“…”

“And there’s always a dead body.”

“A young girl’s dead body.”

“Right.”

“And you know what else? Shitty dialogue. Like, who really talks like these people?”

“Nobody I know.”

“Nobody.”

Screaming Metaphors for a Broken World

“Hegseth demanded the world. His staff broke it during a rush to move it into his office.”
– The Independent, 22 October, 2026

“Hegseth wanted Eisenhower’s globe for his office. His staff broke it.”
– The Washington Post, 22 October, 2026

“Pete Hegseth’s staff break priceless historic globe he requested for office.”
– The Guardian, 22 October, 2026

“Historic Globe Used by Dwight D. Eisenhower Broken by Pete Hegseth’s Staff.”
– ART News, 22 October, 2026

Doublespeak

On Wednesday in St. Petersburg…

“You talk so much about my president, President Trump, being a humanitarian. You are a humanitarian also, sir, and I salute that, I commend you, and I thank you again.”

– U.S. special envoy Steve Witkoff, speaking to Russian President Vladimir Putin during a meeting in St. Petersburg, 21 October, 2026

On Monday in Kyiv…

Two children were among six people killed in a Russian drone strike on a park in Nova Vodolaha, Kharkiv Oblast, on Oct. 19, according to updated casualty figures released by Governor Oleh Syniehubov.

The victims included two girls, aged eight and one, three women aged 28, 34, and 36, and a man around 40 years old, Syniehubov said, adding that at least 15 people were injured, including seven children.

The drone struck the town’s central park while many people, including families with children, were there, Interior Minister Ivan Vyhivskyi said. He also pointed out that the attack made no military sense.

– The Kyiv Independent, 19 October, 2026

On most days…

Humanitarian (noun)

A person who is involved in promoting human welfare, reducing suffering, and improving living conditions and social reform.

– Oxford English Dictionary

Stepfordian

“…resembling an automaton in being conformist and submissive, unemotional, mechanical.”

“…programmed to be traditional, perfectly compliant helpmates.”

“…placid and obedient robots.”

“…does not behave or think independently, always following the accepted rules of society and obeying without thinking.”

Looking Glass

Once, when I was young, I saw a science-fiction movie.

And I thought, when I got older, the world would be like the one in the movie.

But then, as these things go, you live a life.

And when the future comes, the world is nothing like the one in the science-fiction movie.

In fact, it’s almost like the past.

A Little Rain

I could use a little rain. Not a whole storm, maybe just a light dusting. Something slow and lean, something I can walk through.

The Check is in The Mail

A running list of checks promised to American citizens by the President of the United States:

$5,000 stimulus checks via a DOGE dividend.
– February 2025

$2,000 stimulus checks via a rebate or tariff dividend.
– July 2025
– August 2025
– November 2025
– December 2025
– February 2026

Checks of undefined value that would redirect funds intended for Affordable Care Act subsidies.
– November 2025

$500 Obamacare rebate checks.
– September 2026

$5,000 dividend checks if Republicans win the midterms.
– September 2026

Editor’s Note: This running list will be updated regularly as the president continues to lie about the “check being in the mail.”

Ignoreland

“Marina Abramović Can’t Be Ignored”
The New York Times
Oct. 9, 2026

Shit.

I’ve been ignoring Marina Abramović for years.

Like, ever since she pulled that stunt where she sat in a chair and stared at people for like 12 hours at a time.

Fuck, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

In fact, I think about Marina Abramović about as much as I think about Jeff Koons and his fucking balloon dogs, which is like, never.

I mean, it’s pretty fucking obvious Marina Abramović can’t stand being ignored, right?

On Firing Squads

“Whatever the discipline, whatever the method… to say to a man, ‘You are going to die at such an hour on such a day,’ is an act of supreme torture. The law should heal, not mimic the violence it seeks to punish.”
– Victor Hugo, The Last Day of a Condemned Man (1829)

“To kill for murder is a punishment incomparably worse than the crime itself. Murder by legal sentence is immeasurably more terrible than murder by brigands.”
– Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot (1869)

“I only know that I had a horror of the whole business, and that from the moment I saw a man shot by a firing squad, my real interest in life was the death penalty… I refused to accept anything which, directly or indirectly, for the best of reasons, killed people or justified their being killed.”
– Albert Camus, The Plague (1947)